Audrey* lived in fear of her partner for years.

Despite once being drawn to his charisma and charm, she now bears the scars of his aggression and frustration.

What began with casual put-downs about her weight and her intelligence, escalated over time to become threats involving knives and guns.

Audrey was trapped in a cycle of domestic family violence. 

Isolated, financially crippled, and constantly afraid, the mother-of-two was able to escape the violence safely, thanks to the help of her local GP.

Her story is now being used to help other medical professionals learn how to play a key role in preventing and responding to what has become a scourge on society. 

THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE

“This happened over a long period of time,” Audrey* says.

“I would slowly accept things that I would not previously have accepted because it was easier to give in than it was to have the argument (which I would lose in most cases).

“Bob* was always in control and confident, and I liked that initially. 

“He then would start putting me down telling me how fat I was (I was 65kg at that stage). 

“I completed a Bachelors and a Masters and he said that we wouldn’t go to graduation because “anyone can get a degree but it takes an amazing person to own a company” – he had finished school in Year 10 and opened a successful company.

“Bob was able to flick his emotions quickly. He would be degrading me on the way to an outing and then be happy when we were around friends and I would be devastated.”

Audrey says when she fell pregnant the relationship began to sour.

“Bob told me that pregnancy was not a big deal and I would have to continue my chores. I did everything, including mowing, pool cleaning and all inside chores, plus I worked full time.

“I ended up with pre-eclampsia and a benign adrenal tumour, and was managed by an obstetrician and nephrologist.

“I collapsed at home alone, broke my foot, and ended up in hospital at 30 weeks pregnant, where I was put on bed rest until 34 weeks when I delivered,” Audrey says. 

“It was suggested that I may have had eclampsia.

Eclampsia is a rare but serious condition where high blood pressure results in seizures during pregnancy.

“I required staying in hospital post delivery due to my high blood pressure.”

By her second pregnancy things got worse for Audrey.

“During my second pregnancy Bob was partying.

“On one occasion he’d come home, woke me up by shaking me and yelling at me. When I got up in the morning my waters were broken – I was five weeks early. 

“When he realised my waters were broken he yelled at me stating that I had ruined his day. 

“I told him not to worry and I drove myself to the hospital. 

“When he arrived at the hospital later, he said he had a party to go to and that my daughter would be around for life, but this party was not going to wait for him. 

“He left me in the hospital, in labour, and went partying.”

Despite feeling alone, Audrey says she never reached out to family or friends because she was embarrassed about her situation.

And, so the abuse continued.

“Bob then started acting really bizarre. For approximately 12 months he stayed in motels from Friday to Sundays so he could rest between partying. He stated that he needed to party to ‘network’.

The abuse became a weekly cycle.

“His behaviour was Monday hungover, Tuesday and Wednesday aggressive, Thursday nice because he would be warming me up to tell me he was going away Friday to Sunday.”

THE VIOLENCE

“There was an incident where he held a knife in my direction. He told me ‘I have a craving to stab you, I own excavators and I have picked your burial spot’.

“He then became more aggressive. I would hide in the cupboards as he was shouting for me. 

“He was paranoid about phones, visually hallucinating and had an extreme hatred for me.

“He also had a gun in the room. It was on show and I could not sleep. I feared for my life.”

THE FINANCIAL ABUSE

Audrey says during their relationship Bob had instructed her to leave her career and financially intimidated her where, yelling at her for spending money on family purchases like nappies.

“Bob placed our personal assets into his business,” she says.

“Upon separation, and prior to financial settlement, he made some large and bizarre purchases.”

Bob also refused to pay child support for 10 months, the same time it took for Audrey to seek legal advice.

At the time, she says, Bob was earning a large income, of which he did not have to pay rent, petrol, car expenses, or meals as his work paid for these.

POLICE INVOLVEMENT

Bob’s erratic behaviour was spiralling out of control, becoming apparent to those outside the relationship.

“I was able to get Bob into a rehab facility – which he discharged himself early,” Audrey says.

“I was too scared to get an AVO initially [but] there is now one because he [Bob] walked into the police station requesting his guns back.

“My GP was extremely supportive and came with me to the police station.

“I felt defeated and was experiencing panic attacks due to the trauma of the guns.

“It was an amazing feeling knowing that my GP cared so much for the children and my wellbeing that she was assisting through all aspects of my experience with DV. I felt empowered.”

On average Australian police deal with 5,000 domestic violence matters every week. That’s one every two minutes.

SEEKING HELP

Audrey had sought help from her GP who had completed The Hunter New England and Central Coast Primary Health Network (PHN)’s The Readiness Program.

The program, currently funded until June 2022, teaches GPs how to recognise, respond, refer and record patients who are experiencing domestic family violence.

The government-funded initiative comes after Melbourne University research revealed that a full-time GP would see five women per week who are experiencing domestic family violence, and yet only nine out of 10 were asking the question or starting the conversation.

Central Coast GP Dr Collette Hourigan who is working with The PHN to deliver the program says GP registrars do not receive any training regarding the identification or management of domestic violence within primary care.

“Women and those experiencing domestic violence want to talk about what’s happening to them. People trust their GP so it’s a perfect place for women to get the help they need.

“The program teaches GPs how to start the conversation and where to refer a patient who has reached out for help.

“The GPs who have attended the training session [currently 82] have said that it is all they have needed to gain the confidence to ask questions,” Dr Hourigan said.

“I turned to my GP for help because I didn’t know who else to turn to and I could trust her,” Audrey says.

“My GP was extremely patient. She was well aware that I was in a domestic violent relationship, even prior to me being able to recognise this.

“She helped me by gently reassuring me that Bob’s behaviours were not normal, and she supported me until I told her that I wanted to leave him.

“I honestly felt as though she was standing by my side being my advocate, which on many occasions she was.

“Her confidence provided me with strength.”

And her advice to other GPs is simple.

“Work at their pace, if you try to tell them what they “need to do” then that may be interpreted incorrectly as bullying and break the bond that you have established.

“Maintain the loop. I really needed that constant support to build myself up. If I didn’t receive it, I would have gone back. 

“A phone call reminding me that I am a strong person was all I needed to keep going.”

AUDREY’S ADVICE FOR OTHERS EXPERIENCING DV

• Set up an email with a two-factor authenticator (gmail is good). Use private screen so history does not appear. Keep a dated diary (email). It was hard to start, but once I did, I realised how much I needed to rely on it. It has helped greatly in the final stages as I don’t need to guess, I just go through my notes. I also used this with the doctor so that she was consistently updated through the stages.
• Remember the word “Evidence”. Every time something happens try to document it so you can provide evidence. This can help your case.
• Use code words when in physical danger or even needing to save something on the computer. I would always put the word ‘flowers’ in the document title and I would know that it related to DV.
• Once separation has officially occured, fill in the Centrelink Separation form straight away: you have three months to complete this (make sure those dates are still correct). If you don’t that is fine, but if you choose to complete it your payment will start from the date you commenced the form.
• If you are safe in the home, prepare. You need to have a financial history for the solicitor. This will include tax reports, bank statements etc. If you can collect this prior to leaving, or prior to the perpetrator changing passwords, then you will save money and time trying to get the information through the courts.
• Remember, even if you did not financially contribute, you still are entitled to at least 50%. This is because you maintained the home so the perpetrator could financially provide for the family. The courts recognise this and in most cases you are entitled to 60-70% to account for loss of super whilst not working. The courts recognise this.
• Write a schedule of visitation. I wrote the exact days and times Bob had the children, as Bob told me he was going to take the kids away from me but there was evidence that he was not being an active parent.
• Have a safety plan. Give a neighbour a key, use certain lights in the home as a warning (if a particular front light is on then it could alert neighbours that you are experiencing a difficult moment. Have an SMS phrase which could include ‘are you free for a coffee tomorrow’.
• Put some money away. Bunnings sells a safe that looks like a book for $20. I kept this in my bookshelf.
• Use cash out at the grocery store as this will not alert the perpetrator.
• I purchased an audio recorder once Bob had left the home. This really helped as I could listen to the recordings and identify that he was ‘gaslighting’ me. It also assisted with evidence of agitated behaviour with the AVO and guns.
• There are so many support systems out there. If it is financial you can receive payments from different services. Look at what assistance you can get, for example as a single parent you get a concession card which means you can get discounted services, like car registration, electricity and water.  
• Buy a USB and back up everything – your brain is racing and you will make mistakes.
• I kept all financial evidence off the property so that I didn’t need to worry about it being discovered.
• Prepare a budget. You will probably realise that you can survive with what you have, even though you’ve been told that you couldn’t survive.
• Read what ‘Gaslighting’ is. I can guarantee that you are probably experiencing this. Once you realise this, you will become more confident with your responses to the perpetrator.
• Do not trust anything the perpetrator says. Get legal advice. They will be trying to scare you. The more education you get, the more you realise life won’t be as bad as you expect. The perpetrator is trying to convince you not to leave because they are the ones that need you more than you need them.

Australia lost 39 women to violence in 2021.

According to a survey from the Australian Institute of Criminology produced as part of ANROWS’s research program, in the 12 months to February 2021, one in three women experienced emotionally abusive, harassing and controlling behaviours, one in 10 experienced physical violence, and one in 12 experienced sexual violence from their partner.

“You are not alone. Unfortunately this is common, and if you allow yourself to open up, then people are more than willing to help,” Audrey concludes.

“I honestly don’t want this to happen to anyone else. 

“My dream would be to promote awareness to women prior to it becoming diabolical. 

“If we can teach red flags early then maybe they won’t get to the point that I did.”

If the information presented raises any issues for you, these services can help:

• 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732, www.1800respect.org.au)
• Lifeline (13 11 14, www.lifeline.org.au)
• Kids Helpline (1800 551 800, www.kidshelpline.com.au)
• No to Violence (1300 766 491, www.ntv.org.au)
• Blue Knot Helpline and Redress Support Services | provides trauma counselling, information and referral to adults who have experienced complex trauma, commonly from childhood | Mon-Sun 9-5 EST | 1300 657 380 or https://blueknot.org.au/

* The names Bob and Audrey are fictitious and used to protect the identity of both parties.

For more stories like this:

• Payne concerned about Hunter domestic violence issues
• Newcastle DV refuge cuts back services
• Hunter workers call for 10 days paid DV leave
• Current DV solutions “like treating cancer with panadol” lawyer says

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